Cantor's Memo
Gregg's Memo
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, December 5, 2008
COONASS FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside of Westlake, a small town in Louisiana, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Cajun Hackberry Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Cajuns over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Hackberry old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Cajun old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local KPLC TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Whall," said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat damn truck!"
One dark night outside of Westlake, a small town in Louisiana, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Cajun Hackberry Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Cajuns over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Hackberry old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Cajun old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local KPLC TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Whall," said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting we gonna do is fix dem brakes on dat damn truck!"
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Christians:
A. Three, but they're really one.
Charismatic:
A. Only one. Hands already in the air.
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Calvinists:
A: None, God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Hyper-Calvinists:
A: None, if God wants the light bulb changed He will do it Himself!
Pentecostals:
A. Ten, one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians:
A: Change??
A. None, lights will go off and on at predestined times.
Roman Catholic:
A. None, candles only.
A. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
Baptists:
A. At least 15, one to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Southern Baptists:
A. 109, seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
Episcopalians:
A. Three, one to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons:
A. Five, one man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
A. We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists:
A. Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Pentecostals:
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Church of Christ:
A: 5, One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.
Nazarene:
A. Six, One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
A: Four women, one to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.
Lutherans:
A. None, Lutherans don't believe in change.
Independent baptist’s:
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Amish:
A. What's a light bulb?
Quakers:
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
TV evangelists:
A: One, but for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Liberals:
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Conservatives:
A: Three, one to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
Fundamentalists:
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
Agnostics:
A. None, Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.
Atheists:
A: None, Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
A: One, but they are still in darkness.
Zen Buddhists:
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
Christians:
A. Three, but they're really one.
Charismatic:
A. Only one. Hands already in the air.
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Calvinists:
A: None, God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Hyper-Calvinists:
A: None, if God wants the light bulb changed He will do it Himself!
Pentecostals:
A. Ten, one to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians:
A: Change??
A. None, lights will go off and on at predestined times.
Roman Catholic:
A. None, candles only.
A. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
Baptists:
A. At least 15, one to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Southern Baptists:
A. 109, seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
Episcopalians:
A. Three, one to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Mormons:
A. Five, one man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
A. We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists:
A. Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Pentecostals:
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Church of Christ:
A: 5, One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.
Nazarene:
A. Six, One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
A: Four women, one to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.
Lutherans:
A. None, Lutherans don't believe in change.
Independent baptist’s:
A: Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Amish:
A. What's a light bulb?
Quakers:
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
TV evangelists:
A: One, but for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
Liberals:
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Conservatives:
A: Three, one to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
Fundamentalists:
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
Agnostics:
A. None, Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.
Atheists:
A: None, Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
A: One, but they are still in darkness.
Zen Buddhists:
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
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